Last Summer

June 25, 2007

utang na loob!

utang na loob, let me breathe a little? im so fed up with all of you. if YOU would only let me breath, somehow i would look at things in a good way and not try to be someone you all wouldn't know soon. Gahd...i can hardly breathe. my mind's running wild, im goin nuts. i swear i do not know what to do anymore.

it's 11:46 PM now

June 21, 2007

pandemonium

this is me now.
a lot different.
if someone would feel a difference in me
its just my overturn of negative means,
don't worry, deep inside, it's still me.
believe me, im lost.
i cannot find myself walking in the path i used to
i dont see the light anymore.
the darkness wrapped me and well
maybe i had let it embrace all of me.

i thought YOU would hold me,
but do YOU see where i am now?
YOU do, i know.

see these hands?
bleeding?
see these eyes?
doesn't even lie at all.
see these smiles?
it takes a lot of guts to make it.
see me?
holding myself together.
try to look deeper.
the pieces of me are everywhere
trying to pull itself back together.
how about my mind?
it's in gear.
about to go overheat.
that's why i cannot
close my eyes because
i see every thing.
im afraid of the night.
because i cannot close my
eyes to sleep
it's all in my dreams as well.

it's 6:59 AM now

wait for you - elliott yamin

[Verse 1]

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you wanted to be

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]

So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afriad of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you wanted to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing i do

[Chorus]

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

it's 6:55 AM now

June 4, 2007

matibay to pare!

through thick and thin
through "baha" and "manila's kotong boys"

itago natin ang nka-chuck taylor sa pangalang jhamie. Labintatlong taon ko nang kilala ang taong ito. way back in riyadh nung elementary, bihira kami magka-kuwentuhan nito kasi ahead ako sa kanya ng isang taon. when stopped going to school nung second year highschool at lumipat ako sa ibang school, naging magkaklase kami at naging close. pero nung nasa third year na kami, kinailangan lumipat ng family nila sa al-khobar...that means lilipat siya ng school. masakit malayo sa kaibigan sa totoo lang. pero ganun talaga, mahirap nung una. ang kagandahan nga lang, walang nagbago sa aming dalawa.

there were times he'd come back to riyadh during holidays and he'd always pay a visit at my place. we'd have breakfast together and talk and laugh for hours about anything. we'd keep in touch soon as he gets back to al khobar. hindi siya nakalimot. siya parin si jhamie na nakilala ko mula noon.

we graduated highschool and came here in manila for college. jhamie took up electrical engineering at up diliman and im here at ust taking up journalism. i stay in manila while he lives i quezon city or minsan sa bulacan siya (kasi andoon house nila) pero we never neglected our friendship, madalas kami lumabas nito, kain kung saan-saan, tambay sa park or magstroll lang together. masaya na kami sa ganyan. most of the time we'd spend hours just sharing stuff at starbucks or here at my pad. once and a while lang kami magkasama pero andoon laging ung certain unique bond namin.

sa tuwing magkasama kami, laging umuulan o kung hindi man, mahuhuli ng mga manila kotong boys. hindi na bago yun. minsan lang yata kami lumabas na hindi umulan o nahuli ng kotong boys, sabi niya malakas daw kasi ang kontra ng dalawang kapatid ko (kasama kasi namin lumabas) we'd never forget when sometime in september or end of august inabutan kami ng continuous downpour that caused manila's sinking (haha). sobrang binaha ang manila, inabot kami ng alas-tres ng umaga bago nakauwi. gusto niya lumusob kami sa baha, ayoko dahil nasa bewang ko na yung baha. *kadiri* oo maarte na sige, e madumi e.! hindi pwede tumigil yung jeep sa harap ng espana, nagre-route nakarating kami ng laong-laan hanggang sa lawton na kami nakababa. nagtaxi kami hanggang sa may isetan pagkatapos nagpediCab na tinulak ng 3 o apat na lalaki. mahigit isang daan ang nagastos namin sa pediCab. maiyak iyak na ako dahil first time kong naranasan ang BAHA. at ito pa ang nakakatawa, dapat bibili kami ng lovebirds para sa kanyang minamahal that day, pero good thing we didnt...because i doubt those poor birds would survive.

isa lang yun sa mga adventures namin ni jhamie.

i can choose who i want to stay in my life. well i guess God didn't give me a difficult time on jhamie. Jhamie would always be there i know, i have always been there as well. Iilan nalang ang mga taong totoo at mapagkakatiwalaan, mukhang sa haba ng panahon pinatibay na Niya ang pagsasama namin at wala na akong mahihiling pa, ayos na ang lahat...kahit na umulan pa at makulong kami, basta't magkasama kasi nga...

through "baha" and "manila's kotong boys" we'll hold on.

it's 1:27 PM now

l.s.s.

4 In The Morning

i love this song.
i love gwen.
the music video was awesome. gwen made it so light but emotional.
the song's just perfect.
becoz i stay not just till 4 in the morning when i cant find myself at peace.

it's 1:17 PM now

June 3, 2007

him.her.

now you're here with me, i feel so safe & secured. i dont wanna lose this love im holding on to, this love ive found. i dont wanna go. whoever said that everything was easy. it's never perfect, i know that we've been through ups and downs, and sometimes you feel like just letting it go. but if you hold on and believe, in the end this journey will be worthwhile. try to look at the brighter side and the wonderful moments we've shared, somehow all the pain and chaos will fade. im still grateful that each waking day, i have you in my life and that is enough for me to feel and see life's essence.

ive always been here to hold you. ive always trusted you. half of me lives in you.

we are each of us angels with only one wing and we can only fly embracing each other.
-luciano de crescenzo

it's 9:32 PM now

each waking day

hindi na siguro matatanggal sa akin na sa tuwing gigising ako sa umaga ang kasunod ay titibok ang puso ko sa di magandang paraan.

minsan excited ako sa tuwing magvvibrate o tutunog ang cellphone ko, ngunit may mga panahon na takot akong buksan at basahin ang message, bakit? dahil minsan yung mga mababasa ko ay unti unting pinapatay ang puso ko. you can take that literally. i palpitate every time i expect a message. i swear. ganyan ka-lakas ang tama sa akin sa tuwing may hindi OKAY. i try everything, EVERYTHING, i do ANYTHING i have to to make things right, but still in the end, im the BAD person, the one who doesnt do the right thing!

lagi kong pinagdarasal na bigyan Niya ako ng lakas ng loob sa lahat ng pinagdadaanan ko dahil unti-unti na akong bumibigay, sa totoo lang. nagiging mahina na ako. alam kong pinili ko ring maapektuhan at some point, kaso malakas talaga ang factor, i get absorbed. i get dragged. i know what i am capable of that is why i am so afraid of getting absorbed by all these. i do not want to get to that point. i don't wanna give up. i just want to close my eyes and think of happy thoughts while i am closely surrounded by all the negative things & feelings.

i really see myself scattered on the ground, pieces of me. and i try so hard to put the right pieces back together but, damage has been done. these broken pieces could still fit together, but will never be the same anymore.

i end this with one line...

am i still growing?

it's 8:52 PM now

June 2, 2007

passively and blithely unconcerned

"nagkataon lang na ikaw ung pinaka nagkcare..."

"some people should be less dependent..."

"they'll learn soon..."

some people don't really act like real humans with emotions. (harsh in starting. it's ok. this is my OUTBOX. we have our own ways.)

nakakainis kasi ang mga taong hindi marunong magpahalaga.
"they don't know how to value" - (jeff delos santos, 2007) *wink*
kung baga parang sila lang ang may oras.
walang pakisama.
they take things for granted.
they do not know what and how to prioritize.

nagkataon lang talaga siguro na pinagkalooban ako ni Lord ng malaking percent ng "caring" cells. mahirap rin pala yung ganun. tama si dana, "nagkataon lang na ikaw ung pinaka nagkcare..." well they asked for a get together, i planned for it long time before the set date. and informed them ahead of time. gusto nga nila mangyari ito, excited, hindi naman nagprioritize at nagcomply ng maayos. kailangang suyuin at paalalahanan pa ng paulit ulit, dahil paulit ulit hindi tinatatak sa isip. ilang beses mo nang sinabi ang oras, paulit ulit parin tatanungin. ganito lang kasi yan eh, mararamdaman naman kung mahalaga para sa isang tao ang isang bagay kung nakatatak sa isip eh. o sige andyan ang samu't saring excuses, isa-isahin natin ang mga walang kupas na linya:

busy kasi ako...
madaming inaasikaso...
ittry ko magpaalam...(paulit-ulit)
ill let you know on that day/the night before kung pwede ako (hey! listen, kaya nga naka-sched ng maaga para mareserve mo yung araw na yun di ba? that's the point of telling you guys ahead of time)
wala kasi akong pera.
ayoko nang isipin yung iba. dahil maiirita lang ako.

tapos kinagabihan, magsisi-urong. samu't saring rason. gusto nga, 'di rin naman tutupad. ang punto dito kasi eh ito: matagal nang pinag-uusapan, hindi niyo sineryoso. hindi lang kayo ang may oras. utang na loob, umayos kayo. pakisama lang. kung gusto niyo, panindigan naman sana. at kung may mga rason kayo, pakisigurado namang matibay at walang sabit.

dalawa lang talaga yan eh.
una, kung gusto MAY paraan. kung ayaw, MARAMING dahilan. (ang matinding pinaniniwalaan ng mga malakas ang paninidigan)
pangalawa, it's not your priority that's why it's on the loose. magpakatotoo nalang tayo.

this isn't a threat, basta sa susunod kung sino ang gusto ng "get-together moments" SIYA ag mag-asikaso nalang. dahil kahit ako, kung gusto ko aasikasuhin ko rin. at isa pa, nakakawalang gana yung ipapakita niyo na gusto niyo pero you do not care til the end after everything has been settled. you guys know me, hindi ko kinakain salita ko.

paalala lang, blog 'toh. let out ko. kung magagalit kayo, cge natural lang yan. it's human to feel that way. and besides, it's healthy to let it out rather keeping it inside. we all respect each other's feelings. whatever it was, it'll mellow in time. im so upset really. im just being honest.

maybe time has come for me to be a less concerned person. LESS. it's still there. you can never be numb, that's so untrue. it's an individual's defense mechanism. when you say you're numb or you do not care, it's actually the opposite of it. you're numb because you're in the extreme point of the emotion, you felt so much and you do not want to have more of it. you say that you do not care but in fact you do because, you build a wall between you and that emotion, you filter it. it may sound confusing, and im not sure if im getting the message across, but at some point, i-dont-care isn't precisely i-dont-care. there's something between the lines. you'd only be numb if your inside that white long wooden box. *winks* and i bet you wouldn't want that as of now.

now, andrea camille be passive and be blithely unconcerned, you'll worry less.

it's 10:31 PM now