Last Summer

August 27, 2007

im loving this. im loving the game. im loving the tigers, i love his 3 points shot!

been watching the games every sunday and 2 hours of cheering and shouting. being able to let the the stress out of my system is worth it. along with dairy ice cream plus seated beside your bestfriend...what the heck, i don't care where id be the seated (except that i really dont want to sit somewhere the general admission section, hihi!) sulit man!

zel i really had a great time. too bad meow wasn't around. but guess what she was shouting and all while we were talking over the phone,hahaha.

zel and i bought doritos and softdrinks but then we had to leave it sa package counter, tsk. but the good thing is we had something to eat and drink on our way back home.

it was raining and after the game i had to get back home and change since was going to pick me up at around 7pm. i also waited for karlo to arrive, then we headed to bagaberde for the acquaintance party.

tired.

it's 12:38 PM now

August 24, 2007

watch out!

10.06am
@ my pad (once again)
rhapsodic

im so overwhelmed. i slept late and got up early.

i cant stay put. God! i do not know what to feel, but a part of me feels so ecstatic. i feel my cells bouncing inside my system. i wanna shout, i wanna laugh. i wanna party.

but still there's this other part of me that's confused. a part of me doesnt know (anymore) what to believe in, of course ayaw ko kumagat agad. magulo pero im thankful for what's happening right now.

mikey, you really know when to catch me. thank you for always poppin out and catching me every time i would almost fall face first on the ground.

ive always been crazy, and you know me. but well, the wheels have changed...coz i know and i really do hope that this good thing is coming.

well, it seems that i was never at all, the brat. *wink*

it's 9:53 AM now

August 21, 2007

my wings.

9.29pm
@ my friend's place in bulacan
crazy and stupid.

i cannot breath.

honestly, naiinggit ako sa mom ko. all her prayers are answered. every time she'd call, expect 2 things, good news and a bad news. no matter how bad the bad news is, it wont matter anymore... the good news will compensate it all.

mom was sick last year. i was in sophomore college. she was so weak, so fragile. she wasn't supposed to hear anything bad, her condition was not good, but not the worst. mom had all the attention she needed. i was there beside her all the time. i never left her side. i knew how weak she was, and i gave all my best to bring back my MOM.

there were endless nights. lesser gimmicks, id bring her to the bookstore and buy her books that would keep her condition well, we'd spend time in ust just walking and talking, id bring her to wonderful places. she was never without me on check-ups (was that right?) when she was sick she told me all her dreams are on halt and she doesn't even know if she would still reach for it, my words had to be right every time id talk to her, nothing depressing, nothing bad. she was solid "pessimistic", i had to guide her and give her hope. my family and relatives all helped each other in bringing back my mom. i gave everything, nakipag-bargain na rin ako kay Lord! *laughs* anything for mom.

after a year, she's back on track - as if nothing happened. it was like magic. mom was almost perfect. what i see now - is my mom, the Nora ive known since i started to use my mind. =D all the dreams she once thought would never come true, are almost in her hands. ive always been amazed with my mom, ive always looked up on her, someone strong and determined. and here she is once again. as if nothing is impossible to her. everybody's been so happy for her. i am totally happy for her. she's the best. she's my wings.

now its me, wheels have changed. im the sick one. the most difficult illness to cure. its vague. im stuck.

it's 9:29 PM now

August 17, 2007

idle

04.26pm
raindrops

things changed and most of them are for reasons we do not know. It's crazy yes, but real. It's happening and it affects us - or we WON'T let it affect us.

We choose to let them affect us or not. There are things you can never control. Maybe it's really meant to be like that. You just don't have any choice except to bear with it. Just like what Morrie Schwartz told Mitch Albom, let it take you, give into it, then after you've felt it all - detach.

Staying in this unit for almost three fucking days because of suspension happened to be like three damn years.

Everything is idle. deserted. Honestly, I love idle moments, since i get a chance to wonder about things, life and have rest, but hey not this kind - prolonged agony of the exams not until next week, exceptionable thoughts, memories barging in my head, emotions haunting me, annoying "them".

I'm getting a job, and live somewhere for a moment. I need myself since that's all i have. (Niccolo i understand your point, dont you worry i know i have you guys, but still it's on me) Ive been sick for a long time and people don't see that. i need a detachment. Undeniably, things around me aren't in the right place. And some of you see that. It's not that i do not care about you guys, it's just that i want to keep things to myself, it's not that im not letting you in my life. Right now, let's keep it this way, i want to keep my privacy. Yes my dear Kaye, im a lot fiercer now than i used to be in high school. That's what you see. Niccolo, you're right as well. I don't have to be sorry for being silent most of the time and for not talking about things that haunt me. Zel, you really feel me. I'm not really the same bouncy mille, i know i get all silent most of the time. it's just that i cannot place myself where i must be. I am walking on this path to a place i don't know where. But what i know now, is that im walking. Things happen for a reason and for this, i don't know.

im not in good terms with my brothers. and im losing the will to stand as their sister. since i left for college in manila, it's never been the same. and it hurts me the most.

everything's falling into pieces.

i know that there are some na nasasaktan ko, im very sorry. just please understand if there are things i want to be left unsaid since i too cannot penetrate all these and that. and please bare with when i want to be left alone - its the best thing you can do for that moment. i only need to be with myself but ill be back still. i promise.

my emptiness is filled with gust of fury, pain and sorrow.
i miss me.

~ Fixing someone is much more like treating a sickness. No matter how hard i try, if im not the right medicine i can never cure the pain. ~

Ando tener propias las manos.

it's 3:43 PM now

August 16, 2007

suspension

11.09pm
bored

@ its been three days of suspension and im not really pleased with it anymore. ive had enough, i used to be excited having suspended classes due to storm, but not anymore (as of now).

it's 11:39 PM now

August 9, 2007

somewhere in the middle

4.00pm
experiencing a severe headache
@ my pad

I do"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you yet you know it shouldn't . You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted."

"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.

"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."

So which side wins, I ask.

"Which side wins?"

He smiles at me, the crinkled eye, the crooked teeth.

"Love wins. Love always wins."

This was an excerpt from Tuesdays with Morrie. This part really had put me into stop. I realized that what Morrie explained was definitely true. You're torn between the needs and the wants, the right and the wrong. Right things aren't right as always, and the wrong ones do not always turn out to be bad. Why does someone thinks it's wrong when it's supposed to be right. *crazy right?*

Sometimes, we even experience a difficult time in purchasing something. Think about it, whether it is something tangible or not, we always have a choice.

You're in pain whether you let go or hold on, which would you endure? Lesser or greater evil? To lie or not to lie when you can save a life? Food or Meds? show the pain or hide it? sleep or study?

We may talk of prioritizing things, but still only you, me knows what really matters among the rest. Only you, yourself can choose the card. but, whatever the choice is, love will reign. It may not be entirely prefect or right, but love will be there.

Everything lies in you. Everything lies in me. We just have to put our heart into it. Trust and strong faith will lead us to the right way.

it's 4:05 PM now

August 7, 2007

waiting

08.20pm
excited
@ my pad

i cant wait for saturday night, cant wait to get out and dance all night long then after that go to my aunt's place in fairview. stay there till ive had my cool back. i cannot stay long here in manila.

dad is leaving on the 11th. im just spending the his last days here in the philippines. soon as he gets back to riyadh, every thing here in my pad will turn out the way it should be.

it's 8:13 PM now

August 2, 2007

under the spell.

11.44pm
confused-hurt
@ my pad

its been a while since i last saw you. i cannot recall when. all i remember is that i said i love you, you smiled and we had a long hug. we were so happy and in love.

i saw you again, since the last time we talked face to face...when i gave the space. as you walked towards me and waved, everything came back again. you walked passed by me and my friends and went to chris, everything played back in my mind. i was shattering in slow motion. so slow that i can feel every single snap of pain. you were there near me, but it was as if i couldn't reach you. the moment was tearing me apart - wanting to hug you or shout at you, simply to just cry myself out. but i kept still, realizing that it wasn't right. in an instant, my heart skipped a beat then as it started to beat again. but it was as if it my heart didn't want to miss a single second of beating. i could not breathe. i looked at you as you held your book, my heart throbbed once and then the second it crushed onto the ground, scattered into millions and billions of pieces. black and white slowly shifting into sepia then colored but still goes back to black and white - this was my world when i saw you again. i know that with you in my life, despite all the chaos, im still standing. you were there, and i was helpless. you caught me under our spell. everything that flashed back into my mind made me weak and at the same i feel strong. you were sorry for all the pain you caused me. "sorry, dahil sa selfishness ko nagkaganyan ka. sorry sa lahat." you promised you'd come back. "ganun parin nararamdaman ko, hindi ako mawawala." you wanted us to work again like you said, but where are you now? you haven;t even taken a single step. do you know how my heart struggles everyday when everyone around me keeps on bringing back every thing about us? all of it pulls me back as they shower me with thoughts of us. each waking day i try to take a step ahead, but no matter what i try to do. it keeps pulling me back. slaps every thing to my face - all that was in the past that we had together. do they ask you about us? no. it is i, whom they ask with all that had happened between us. you do not know how it feels to be ALONE with all our memories together as everybody reminds every single moment of what we had. this is simpy ME in a my own relationship. it was as if im in a one-way relationship, with no one but ME. i lived with that since i felt it before, why? all i cared about was you and me and our love. cliche? and now, all i have is this empty heart filled with nothing but fury, solitude and darkness. i lost, even MYSELF. aware of your selfishness, yet you stayed where you are, you didn't step up and try to ease the pain.

i do not know what to believe in anymore. somehow, there is one thing that i cannot deny - the love is still burning in me. i saw it in your eyes.
i can fool everyone around me, but never myself and my heart.
if most of the time im lost nowhere, i cannot lie to myself of what i feel.

i do not know what i want that i do know.

"It's what we know for sure that just ain't so." - mark twain

it's 11:42 PM now