Last Summer

July 30, 2007

girls want to get the message across

8.36 pm
playing: leave out all the rest - linkin park
@ my pad

Use this picture.

it's 8:35 PM now

July 29, 2007

not what it seems

10.36 pm
wanting to cry but cant.
@ my pad

ito nanaman eh. every thing comes back again. here i am, breaking down. i don't think im taking a step ahead. it keeps pulling me back, and everytime it happens i get torn (again and again and again). crushed into millions. i feel my heart pumping and beating so fast, as if death is embracing me, and i am struggling to grasp life again. at the end of the day, everything boils down to one point...im still here, in darkness. i thought i was fine. i thought. i thought. i thought. but i know myself. i cannot fool myself. i cannot pull myself together. lahat nang nasa paligid ko keeps pulling me in different sides, im twisted, torn, crushed nowhere.

new haircut, new aura, redesigned andrea camille, smiled pasted on her face simply shows the "joy" of her life. look deeper. it's not what it seems.

i feel so empty.

it's 10:10 PM now

July 27, 2007

spill.!

[8.27.07] 11.47pm
playing: pulling me back (tyrese feat chingy)
@ my pad

i was really annoyed with my hair. yes mahaba na sya, and at times i cant manage it anymore. at oo, ilang beses kong inuulit, MAINIT KASI. ok sana if i had my curls back, but the re-bonded part along with the natural is agitating me. went to the salon and had the re-bonded part cut. (mille, di ba u want ur natural curls? had it cut short, what the hell is your plan? well yeah it's definitely short, but imma bring back my sweet curls that i miss so much., for now im letting it be - it short and sleek. and in that way, when it gets long, wala na 'yung narebond to annoy me. i feel lighter this way. at some point i hate it when i get depressed, i pamper myself too much and this is what i get, well it was worth it *winks* ahahaha. im good at diverting emotions. the last time i was like this was two years ago. and i dont know if that is good?

miller now: getting satisfying grades particularly with majors (high five!)
has wonderful & real friends
sweet, cool, understanding & so great dad and mom
annoying yet loving brothers
great relatives c=
everything seem so right, except for one thing - *napatanga*

let's stop from there. ive never lied to myself. never fooled myself with anything. ive never given up, that's the truth. but i had to stop for a moment and still i know in myself, something is still pulling me back...

it's 11:38 PM now

July 21, 2007

anonymous dancer

T PAIN Bartender Lyrics

dance! isayaw ko lang, ok na ako somehow...(somehow temporarily.)
kaye, stay with me.

i just laugh it all off every time someone would remind me, annoy me bout the us. its not easy being left alone on this path. i know yer there girl but you know what i mean right,
it's my case, my life. i just want to keep it on the low, i dont wanna be in the limelight.
it's gonna be more difficult for me. i know

"magaling ka naman mag-divert..."
"ang hirap nga niyan."
"i never expected that behind your kakulitan at laughter, those smiles and hirit jokes,
was a dark room of agony and anxiety"

~play my song dj nick.~

it's 8:54 AM now

July 18, 2007

you: dad's project

my dad is really persistent.

it's really tough living by yourself (in my case, im not really alone, i live with my two younger brothers) without parents. i get home tired from school most of the time since i get home past seven in the evening on weekdays. my tendency is to just eat dinner (if the two boys have prepared dinner) if not, ill cook once i get home. then eat dinner, do some cleaning up in our room and then go straight to bed or if im not yet sleepy, tumatanga lang ako.

when class started last month i lost a lotta weight. i lost almost 5-6 kilos. i was always exhausted. i only get 5 hours of sleep. my mind has it's own way of thinking, and sometimes it overheats. being an ate, isn't really that easy. yes, there is distribution of labor among me and my brothers, but still there is a high expectation in being the eldest.

when dad arrived from riyadh, he was like "ang payat mo ate!" i was just quietly sitting in front of my computer when he started pinching my arms and said, "pero ito malaman parin, macho!" he said i lost a lotta weight and it was true. since his arrival, i was pampered. he bought a lotta food and he really is persistent na patabain ako - that is his project. "kailangan bago ako bumalik sa riyadh, malaman ka na uli, dapat mag-gain ka ng weight."

and now here i am, if im not reading or sleeping, im eating (anything that i see in the fridge). i eat three times a day, like i do way back in Riyadh when i used to have my parents with me. he scolds me if i leave our pad without eating dinner or breakfast, and take note - rice everyday for breakfast. my dad's the cook for 6 weeks, and he'll prepare anything we'll request. that's one thing i miss about having parents around - someone's looking after you and taking care of you. well yeah, my brothers do too, but it's more of ate-camille-taking-care-and-pampering--the-boys. i miss being treated as the only girl in the family. ive been so preoccupied in being an ate since i had my brothers with me.

i never denied the reasons behind why i am like this now, why i lost weight, why i appear to be different. i just don't want to talk about it anymore. i know inside me that no matter how i try to walk away, it's still there at the back of my mind...im trying to pull myself together. still trying.

it's been a long time since the family was complete and i miss the old times.

left: me and my brother carlo at smafter my dad picked me up from my monday class

it's 11:44 PM now

July 16, 2007

bohemian

andrea camille : bohemian redesigned.

life is being nice to her. and yes she sees that. despite all those aches and entropies, sleepless nights, hearsays, crazy dilemmas, she's there standing. staying tough. you'd depict perfection of everything with her smile. she dances like no ones watching. she speaks even if no one would listen, even if no one would care. she speaks her mind and heart as long as she's on the right stand. she will do everything, no matter what it takes, just to make her dreams happen. her conviction's eccentric.

now is the start of a new beginning. she's gotta drift. there's a need to change the wheels. request for "overhaul".

she's back on track. shifting to a higher gear. eager to feel the exciting rush of her crazy, fun and twisted life. but the princess is still the same, just stronger and dynamic than ever. still sweet and crazy. (lol)

it's 8:49 PM now

July 9, 2007

i want a shot! haha, poooof!

the transformers was great! awesome film. yugi's right, it was worth spending almost two hours. and now i can't get enough of it. i wanna watch it again. and there goes my brother, insisting me of how the movie was. "pasaway ka ate eh," shouted mon. every night after classes, we'd always end up talking about bumblebee and optimus prime.

0ops..have to get back to class.!

...to be continued.

it's 11:11 AM now

July 7, 2007

.f a c e d o w n.

it's 12:18 AM now

July 6, 2007

significant being

in this life of pretension, you cannot help but get lost in shambles.

light hearted, blissful, grateful for every simple things in life, malambot ang puso, spontaneous yet bright, peaceful, bouncy, loves to smile, laugh and do a lot of things. forgiving. in extremes ang mood, makuwento...

i miss myself.

it been long since last felt my real existence in this world.
two years ago, the path i chose was something i call enkindling.yes.
it changed my whole life. from my perspective to the way i live. it was a big change.

everything was almost "perfect" but yes, there's no such thing. perfection never existed in reality. i was embraced by the moment - love, bliss, harmony, fulfilled. all was smooth. i wanted to dwell in that feeling. if it was a dream, id love to sleep forever. i had myself and i had LOVE.

one by one, things in my life began to flop. from one consequential factor to another...it all started falling to pieces. i was in darkness. but one light made me believe that despite all the holy mess, i could still go on. it came to a point when i gave much (according to them-all) but the fact is, that's just me, i love to give. (not material things) life it basically too short for us to do a lot of things. and there, i lost the only lighted candle to guide me and give me hope and strength. i felt nothing but weakness. i didn't know myself anymore. the sense of being alive turned into hell. i was furious. i felt i was nothing. i blamed myself. i hurt myself. i got lost somewhere. i fell, i cried. o couldn't get up. my hands were bleeding from holding on to something that kept me alive. i wanted to scream, but nothing came out. i couldn't breath. i felt "collision" inside me - take that as it is. i trembled. i was afraid of the nightfall. i couldn't sleep. i tire myself just to fall asleep. my mind overheats, i can't have a single moment without anything in my mind. take it from me - drives me crazy. i hate it. i lost weight. basically, i wasn't well.

i lost the only thing that kept me strong and fighting.

i saw myself bleeding inside, crying. i saw the wrecked me. scattered into pieces, crushed into billions of pieces, struggling to find its way back in place. i was a broken glass trying to hold myself together. i lost the real camille.

kaye: i miss "the you". (my soulmate who has a part of me in her.)

it's 10:29 PM now