Last Summer

August 25, 2008

very happy

life is really full of surprises. =D
two days ago, honestly things were getting out of hand. but after spending two days in Caliraya, everything changed. it's really true that no one will never know what will happen without giving a shot, without risking to try.
after knowing that there are still people who care after those around you have failed you, you'll never realize how wonderful the feeling is.
Pinkers, thank you for giving me a more positive viewpoint. Spending time with you guys was such a blast. I love you pinkers.

it's 9:59 PM now

August 19, 2008

more than 12 hours for a subject's requirement

you know what i feel?
mil wants to scream and curse and run like hell, but practically it's a waste of time.
napanis na ata laway ko dahil wala akong kinausap ngayong araw, except makipag-eye to eye sa laptop ko.
and for that we, the computer and i are one.

it's 9:03 AM now

August 15, 2008

part of the whole

days ago, (particularly days before thursday, august 14, 2008) mom has been telling us to keep the place neat since she has this friend, jopay, also from saudi, who's going to pay a visit on thursday afternoon. i wasn't really that concerned since i won't be at home when she visits in the afternoon, three subjects are lined up for preliminary exams on that day.

around 6pm, the rainshower poured as if there was no tomorrow for more rainshowers. when almost half of the class peeped out of the window of our classroom, everyone had different reactions. iris, for example was thrilled, "at last stranded na tayo, natuloy na wish ko." meow, was upset because she needs to go home to pampanga right after the taxation exam. i was, for one, annoyed because unfortunately i just lost my umbrella and i really hate it when i have no choice but to walk through the baha.

after two hours of brain torture, the rain had finally stopped. but the ankle high water in front of our building. thank God for those sidewalk which were higher than the "flood". i didn't get my feet soaked.

i was out of the campus when i started ranting through sms messages abot how annoying it is when its soak-ee. i sent some of the rantings to my brother, mon, who initially asked me two hours ago if i needed to be picked up from school. then when i was already walking along lacson avenue, he asked if i still want to be picked up from school, i replied to him that it's alright one block away from the apartment.

all i could think of was the exam and oh yeah, how hungry i was. soon as i took the keys from my bag, i heard footstep from the stairs, then soon as i opened the gate, i saw mon who jumped from the stairs followed by...DAD. who i know was way back, miles and miles away from us. i had to stare at him, to make sure it was really him. i see him (with my naked eyes) standing right in front of me, and smiling at me. when i closed the gate and run to him, i gave him a tight hug, really tight one and i accidentally, unintentionally (ok...?) slapped him (not the bad slap, alright). to see and feel if he was really DAD. i DIDN'T have any idea that he was coming. Mon said that they were supposed to pick me up, but good thing they didn't have to because i was really freaking out.

i couldn't let go of dad even till we reached the second floor and entered our unit. my arms was still around his neck. then mom was smiling at me and asked, "bakit ganyan mukha mo?" i knew that i had tears filling up my eyes. then finally burst into tears. why was that? it was 4 years ago that i had last seen all the faces of my family together. then they ALL, including my two silly brothers, LAUGHED at me. then i went inside the room to change, but i suddenly remember that i left my bag on the couch so i went back to get it when mom, again asked, "e bakit umiyak ka? bakit ang iyakin mo ngayon?" then yes, laugh at me again, i started to whine and then finally cried again cause i saw everyone was here, in one room altogther again.

jopay, the "visiting friend" was daddy actually, they both had kept it a secret all along. haha, this time you caught me mom. mom's really fond of surprising me. you won, i got all freaked out thank you for once again bringing out the iyakin in me. haha. accomplished! dad's staying for two weeks. both of them will fly back to riyadh on the 30th, so basically we have two weeks to bond and stuff. honestly, there's a small chance that they could come to graduation next year. it's alright, i know how difficult it is to get slots in flight bookings and stuff. what matters now is that we're altogether. living all my life with both of my parents and brothers then suddenly i had to live alone when i started college wasn't really easy at all. then came carlo after a year, finally mon. it's not easy living separate from parents, more specifically in different countries, after living 21 years of my life with both of them.

i'm overwhelmed yes, feeling like a sicko, for crying and acting out of the ordinary (when i saw dad and my family complete), but i don't care they're my family.

mom your crazy, lakas ng trip mo, but you know i love you. xoxo

*pardon the grammar. spur of the moment, i had to "outbox" it.

it's 11:55 PM now

August 11, 2008

upfront No.2

YOU really have the guts to act like a total bitch in front of me. well, good thing that you showed your true colors without hesitation. finally, i wouldn't see you the way i used to. YOU'RE such a fake darling. unfortunately, since from the start i had a feeling that "hindi tatalab sa akin ang pagpapa-kyut mo." maybe this is really you, 'patweetums,' childish and all girly, i have no problem with that, each of us have our own personalities but darling don't use to it so you could get your way out. everything has it's right time and place. i know you're smart, but don't let me look down on you with THAT ATTITUDE.

it's 10:03 PM now

August 10, 2008

upfront No. 1

let me be fair and we'll do this the easy way - ill be blunt towards your insensitivity.

whoever said that countdown to march was easy and fun? it's a hell of deadlines. there's more expectations. well basically, it's up to me on how i should deal with it. as of the moment, it feels good having mom around for a month. i get the feeling of being well taken care of. i miss the times i get to sleep a lot (during high school) upon getting home. the liberty of still doing what you want without having to worry something else in the back of my mind. it's like i have all the time in the world.

not all things apply to everyone, and that is something true. maybe you have noticed how glad i am having mom around for a month. it's been almost more than three years since i started living alone. having my two brothers living with me is quite fine. except that sometimes, guys are still guys (i wouldn't generalize, because it is truly unfair to others.) and there would be moments when we cannot comprehend with household issues. it's a privilege to be the eldest but in terms of responsibility, it's a serious issue. i am hanging by a thread. only one thing can happen, i'd lose grip of my academics/home responsibilities or lose grip of myself. i never realized how significant "my manual of putting my life on track" not till fourth year of college. i'd have to formally and officially schedule everything in that organizer. i get all nuts if i fail to accomplish the majority. last week i realized 24 hours a day for seven days a week was really NOT enough. i think i need 36 hours a day. i try to play fair on both sides, so that i could still give attention to both.

"take it easy, don't take it seriously."

that's what i hear, i know...i do that too. but listen, this is my point i am not expecting you to understand, but to just be sensitive enough to realize that we don't have the same life. would you ever consider sleeping nowadays as one of your guilty pleasures? to me, that's my number one. i'm even grateful if i end up having an extra hour to watch TV or go out n have a stroll. i don't really need to elaborate everything.

i can choose to mention your name in this post, but i prefer not to since i wouldn't want to be as tactless as you are, but please. don't be self-centered, try to be sensitive to the lives of others. you know me. basta may panahon, at pwede i-singit sa sched, go lang! i wouldn't have any reasons or lies, first of all i hate it and you know that. one thing that you would do to really help me in my situation right now is to feel me. try and feel me. understanding me is not important or even loving me. but respecting me and my life is what i expect from someone like YOU. i'm not arguing or anything, not even mad at you, but i am upset with what you are DOING.

don't get me wrong, i have persons who really know me and i never had a problem with that. but if you can't do the same thing,

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it's 11:22 AM now

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Saturday, August 9, 2008

it's 10:04 AM now

August 7, 2008

I'm a proud Pinay, yet...

I really do not understand why is it too hard for some to respect to the time of others. See this situation, one person, say Mr. Organized arranges his schedule for the day, allotting specific time to each priorities. Then in one of his itineraries, he has to meet someone, say Mr. I-don't-care. Mr. Organized comes on time, and even messaged Mr. I-don't-care that he is already on his way. After 10 minutes Mr. Organized had arrived, Mr. I-don't care replied that he might come a little late. Mr. Organized patiently waited for 30 minutes. In an hour, Mr. Organized has another appointment and in fact, he could leave anytime he wants. But it would take long again before he could set another appointment with Mr. I-don't-care since both are busy persons. Three of their supposedly appointments have been canceled and this time, this has to push through. Mr. I-don't-care assured that he would arrive before the while hour end. Well guess what, he definitely came. exactly after an hour of their arranged time to meet. Mr. Organized ended up accomplishing one rendezvous but unfortunately, he has to think of another way how to make a way in dealing with the alteration of his other appointments. Mr. Organized had to patiently suffer waiting in order to achieve something that could have been accomplished on time. Well Mr. I-don't-care had his reason, the usual challenge for everyone in the life of a Filipino in Manila, traffic. Well, I just thought, the traffic won't change, it won't adjust for you, I mean as a person you could've thought of something. Well, talking about real persons here.

I'm a proud Pinay, but being insensitive to others' time would be one of the Filipino values that i really despise. Obviously, it shows a lack in the sense of discipline and second, is respect. I have to admit that at times, I arrive late and I hate myself for that. I hate myself for that since instead of being productive, what happens is that as a growing person I become less advantageous, especially to myself and most of all if it affects other people. That is why I try hard to move in advance. I cannot grasp the attitude that one only moves when there's an earnest need to, say for the last minute.

it's 12:11 PM now

August 3, 2008

when the people i expect to listen and understand, wont listen at all.

i tend to shut up and/or talk and listen to myself.
i eat and eat till i get stuffed. usually, i drool over ice cream or cakes, but if i really get upset, i have to admit that i eat heavy meals, and most of the time i end up eating 3 cups of rice. soon as i'm stuffed, i fall asleep. and i'm solved.
(i used to) cry my eyes out. but finally i've realized it won't change anything, i'll only tire myself.
i go out and have a stroll (but unfortunately, it's been a day of downpour and speaking of espana, you'd better row your own boat when there's non-stop rain shower).
i get all work-y, i don't know why but i get the feeling of working and working, just pouring my upset emotions working on my paper, readings or whatever requirement is in pending status in my to-do list.
i get dressed up go to the salon and whatever gets into my head - get a new hair style, hair color, have a foot spa, body massage, nail arts, etc. - bring it on! i'm that upset.
i grab my purse, but before doing so, i make sure i have enough "bala" in my wallet. i end up shopping goodies that i don't really need at all.
i talk exactly what i feel and what's it my mind, disregarding your narrow-mindedness and insensitive self.
the worst thing that could happen: by bitchy-ness gets over and i get into a bedlam.

take me or leave me, that's it. this is me, i cannot see myself as anyone else. my bluntness may appear to be bitchy or insensitive, but what you see is what you get. think whatever you want to, i won't care, i won't do anything about it because one thing that's wrong with people is instead of being honest and working it right, we speak of fallacies and lies, just to please others. it's trash. merely an act of narrow-mindedness, selfishness, and ignorance. yes, there are white lies, still it's a lie. no matter how painful the truth is, it should be told, how? it's your choice, when you know you're smart enough, you can make a way to let it happen in a good manner. if we all just make the most of this something we call "brain" and use it in a productive level, then maybe somehow, things could be light.

it's 7:25 PM now